You know what really frosts my flakes?
Spam emails from “marketing experts” who swear my website is invisible.
Every single day I get the same message from some stranger named Raj, Steve, or “Digital Growth Team.”
“Dear Sir, I visited your website and noticed you are not ranking on Google for important keywords. We can help increase your traffic by 700 percent.”
Really? Because somehow you managed to find my website just fine.
It always amazes me that these people claim my website is impossible to discover while they are emailing me directly from halfway around the world like cybernetic bloodhounds.
Apparently my site is invisible to everyone except spammers.
And the messages are always written like they were assembled by a malfunctioning robot in a basement.
“Kindly revert back for premium SEO opportunity.”
Kindly take a long walk off a short server rack.
These people promise to “optimize my digital footprint,” “maximize engagement,” and “unlock hidden revenue potential.”
Buddy, you couldn’t unlock a grocery cart at Aldi.
You know they are not personally studying my website. They are vacuuming up email addresses by the millions like raccoons digging through a dumpster behind a casino buffet.
Then they blast out the same tired message day after day after day hoping one exhausted business owner finally snaps and says, “Sure, random stranger from the internet. Please take control of my website, credit card and firstborn child.”
No thanks.
I learned my lesson years ago after hiring one of these bargain-basement “experts.” The website looked like it had been designed by a caffeinated squirrel using stolen clip art and expired software from 2007.
And here’s the part that really boils my biscuits.
I have to jump through flaming hoops like a trained circus seal just to send a newsletter to people who voluntarily signed up to hear from me.
I need verification codes, SPF records, DKIM authentication, CAPTCHA tests and enough security checks to launch nuclear missiles.
Meanwhile these spam goblins somehow send out 14 million garbage emails a day without breaking a sweat.
How? Do they have diplomatic immunity? They must be protected by the United Nations of Annoying People.
The spam always includes a helpful “unsubscribe” button that goes nowhere, but sends a digital beacon back to the home base to let them know the email address is valid so they can sell it for a nickel to other spammers.
I’m Grandpa Grumpy and if your business strategy begins with annoying strangers, maybe the problem isn’t my website.