You know what really frosts my flakes? Internet service providers.
I’m old enough to remember when cable companies were practically chasing you down the street, begging you to add internet for 30 bucks a month.
Now they’ve got me locked into a plan that costs $140 a month like I’m financing a small yacht.
They call it the “1 Gig Go Superfast Plan.”
Superfast? They make it sound like I should strap on a helmet and seatbelt before opening my email. Like my laptop’s gonna take off down the hallway if I’m not careful.
But what do I actually get? About 287 megabits per second. Not 1,000. Not even close. Two hundred and eighty-seven.
That’s not “Go Superfast.” That’s “Moderate Jog With a Slight Limp.”
So, I check my speed test online, and it tells me the truth, which apparently is the problem.
Because, when I call the company, they say, “Oh, no, sir, those tests aren’t accurate.”
Of course they aren’t. They only show what I’m actually getting. Silly me.
They tell me I need to download their special app instead, which magically confirms everything is wonderful.
Instead of giving me a number like every other speed test on earth, it simply says, “Your connection looks great.” That’s not a measurement. That’s a pep talk.
Then it claims I’m getting 119 percent of my plan speed.
So let me get this straight. The entire internet says I’m getting 287 megabits per second, but YOU say I’m getting 1,119? What is this, fantasy football for bandwidth?
Then you try to call them. But, before you even get to a robot, you sit through a five-minute commercial about how amazing they are. By the time a robot finally answers, I’ve aged another year.
And it’s not even a helpful robot. It’s one of those that asks you questions it doesn’t understand.
“In a few words, tell me why you’re calling.”
“My internet is slow.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Did you say you’d like to upgrade your service? Please hold to be connected to the next available salesperson.”
No! I’d like the service I’m already overpaying for to work.
Then, while I’m already irritated beyond reason, they try to upsell me.
“Have you considered switching your mobile service to us?”
Oh sure. Because nothing says confidence like giving MORE of my technology to the same company that can’t deliver it in the first place. At this rate, if I switch my phone over, I’ll be back on dial-up.
I’m Grandpa Grumpy. And I remember when faster internet actually meant faster internet, not faster excuses.